So Much Inside

I hope that everyone's holiday weekend went well. Mine, was pretty interesting. Saturday was pretty laid back, didn't do much of anything really. Sunday I had the opportunity to be an extra in a movie in Ann Arbor... it was a good experience. Thanks to KW for making it possible (yes, I will still thank him although he works hard to maintain a reputation as a jerk). Then I drove to Detroit, which was a horrible experience... I hate driving in unfamiliar territory. But it was ok in the end. Then yesterday I was able to watch my team, the Chicago White Sox shut out the Cleveland Indians, 11-0. And then ended my evening with Wally's rehearsal last night, preparing for competition.

Today is preparation for my trip, I leave for DC tomorrow. However, I have found myself stuck in my head most of the morning. I have spent my time rereading and looking at things that are really hard for me to let go of, that which I don't want to let go of. And I have to face the fact that in the end I probably won't, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. What I have to hold onto are words... words and promises that I hope will stand true. It's hard believing and not knowing at the same time. But there are certain ways that I look at the situation that makes me realize, while I don't like it, it makes sense. Sad sense, but sense. Somewhere down the road... I can't lie people, I'm still sad. I've gotten better at fakin' it until I make it, but at night when my head hits the pillow it's over. But, that's life.

I have decided to a make a one year plan. I am going to sit down and write down what I would like to accomplish and where I would like to be this time next year. It's time I stop talking about stuff and actually put action to it. I need to change something because right now not much is working out how I had thought. Ah, wheat bread and rice... deep breath and sigh...
But, I'm sure that in the end it will all be much greater than what I had dreamed of. Say it until you believe it.

I know I have babbled and probably didn't make much sense so I will sign off now and hope that you have a good week. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Bubbles,

Tower

I felt compelled to research the meaning behind a tower... for reasons that are not important to most... but what I found was very interesting...

Tower:
* used for observation, signaling, pumping
* embodies strength and firmness
* stronghold
* high hopes and aspirations
* something overwhelming or dominating
* superior to others (which I do not believe relates to me)
* zooming out and viewing a situation objectively or holistically
* isolation or separation
* (tower of strength) someone who helps during a period of crisis

Water Tower:
* keeping emotions inside
* unable to express feelings, especially feelings of love
* false sense of security

Climbing A Tower:
* quest for spirituality and unconscious ideas that may be surfacing

I found this interesting because most of these meanings can relate to things that I've been going through lately... just goes to show that a simple statement that someone makes can have an amazing meaning behind it. A comment about a tower inspired me to research the meaning and has opened my eyes to a few things. So thank you, again, to the person who pointed out my tower. I told you I have a lot to learn from you.

Bubbles,

Time For A Break

Well... the Art Show was a success. We didn't sell everything, but there was a great turnout and lots of art sold. We have to go back this morning and pick up what didn't sell and bring it back, well to try to find something to do with it. Of course we don't tell the kids that their art didn't sell. Just one of the many ways we must be creative around here. Wow, I can say that I'm glad it's over...... it was a lot of work.

As for other things... still confused... but there is nothing that I can really do about some of the stuff on my mind. I just have to let it play out and hope for the best. That is the hard part, not having control over anything (not that I'm a control freak). I have learned this week that, no matter how hard I try, it is difficult for me to approach life one day at a time, I kinda like to know what's coming up or where something is going. But that's not always possible. I just have to believe that it will work out how it is supposed to. All I know is that I don't like conflict and really try to do things with the best intentions. I don't want to be the cause of... There was an interesting situation that occurred last night, that I'm still taken off guard by, but... Just have to learn to accept things for what they are... really not out to cause turmoil and it hurts my heart to know when others close to me are struggling.
Unwritten... pen's in my hand... ending unplanned...

So after today I am officially on vacation until June 6th. I leave for Washington D.C. on Wednesday and return Sunday. It should be an interesting trip. I've never been there before and look forward to what D.C. has to offer. I will be going to the Holocaust Museum, maybe the Smithsonian, and taking a tour of the memorials. I will have plenty of 1:1 time with Beth... hmmm... what to do in D.C. on your own. O, of course, shop... hehehehe.

Anything Goes should be a good show... there is a great cast, full of fun people. Fiddler On The Roof rehearsals haven't begun for me. And Wally's Cafe... well I'll be busy with that the next two weeks until competition on June 10th.

Still trying to catch up on sleep. It seems as though even when I do sleep, it's very restless. I really hope that all is well with you all... know that you're in my thoughts... I really do wish the best... know that although I may be silent, I'm still here whenever there's a need.

Bubbles,

This I Didn't Expect

Find out bad news.

Overwhelmed right now.

Just keep telling myself it will all be okay.

Right? Say right.

Not Expecting

Rough night. Going on about seven hours of sleep the past two days. Had a conversation last night that was a long time coming, a tough one. It's going to be a crazy day.

But... here's something so you all can think I'm even a little more crazy than you already think I am. Today is May 24th. My favorite day. Yes, I know it's weird that I have a favorite date, but that's just me. For about ten years now I have felt that something good would happen on May 24th. I don't know in what year, but every time it comes around I can't help but wait to see what happens. So, I wonder if this is the year that something incredible will happen on May 24th. I guess only time will tell.

In case anyone is wondering I did remove my post from yesterday... maybe I will repost it at a later date... not sure.

Bubbles,

No Title Needed (or Wanted)

The hardest thing to do is that which you know you have to do.

No appetite.

One Day At A Time

Well, Barefoot in the Park has officially closed. It makes me sad, ending a show always does. But this show was special in its own way. I will miss certain things about the show (I'm sure those of you who have been around me lately will know what those things are). Now it is time to adjust to not having to do something that has become routine. It was an excellent run. We weren't reviewed, but we had good responses from the audiences.

Now it is on to Anything Goes, Fiddler on the Roof, and back to Wally's Cafe. Somewhere in all of that I really need to study for my licensure exam, o well. I need to be busy right now. When I'm busy it doesn't give my mind time to think (or at least I like to think that way). My mind has been filled with lots of thoughts lately. I keep telling myself that all will work out how it is supposed to, the problem is it doesn't always work out how I hoped it would. But that's life right? It is what it is and it will be what it will be. Fake it till you make it. Keep the face (or the mask) on. All the while trying not to climb up my tower. I'm cool though, I can be nothing but. Maybe it's only just begun.... maybe the best is yet to come. I only hope that promises made are truly made. Why is it that I have turned into having a "I believe it when I see it" mentality? Even with those I trust? Is it really fair to others? Probably not, they say it believe it. Beth, believe it. (Yes I know I just talked to myself, but it's my blog and I reserve that right)

Busy with the Art Show... which is three days away. It's crunch time. Working on kid's bios today, plus this awful piece of furniture that I have had nightmares about. Mind always goes when I lay down to sleep. It's a very crazy time. Not to mention, on a side note, that today we had to lock down for a good forty-five minutes because a couple of the kids reported another kid having a gun at the bus stop and threatening to "get" one of the other students. He refused a search this morning at the bus stop, so he came in late... of course by that time he ditched whatever he had.

One task that I am pleased that I completed was......... the dreaded........ bathing suit shopping experience. I went to three different stores, became frustrated in each one, until finally I found a suit that I approved of. I am looking forward to enjoying it this summer as I'm sure I will be tanning a lot. Yeah Beth! (and again I reserve the right to talk to myself on my blog) It's the simple things that make me happy.

Well, I hope all is well with you and that adjustments that must be made aren't too straining. I'm here. Always here. Always. Look forward to hearing from you all soon.

Deep breathing and sighing,

End of One Thing.... On To Something New

Well, the run of Barefoot in the Park, is almost over. I have put a lot into this show and will be sad to see it close. It's definitely my favorite thus far. The cast is incredible. It has been so easy working with this bunch. We've had our moments on stage and off stage. I will be sad.

Just a quick recap of the run... We have had good sized houses almost every night, last weekend they had to turn people away. Everyone has done a really incredible job not dropping lines, or covering for those that were. There's been kinichi dropping in the wrong places, doors (and people) getting caught in the doors, martini glasses breaking, donuts dropped and stepped on, door buzzers not buzzing, phones not ringing.... but the kicker of them all was... let me set it up the right way.

In the beginning of Act II my leading man and I are discussing how we could make my mother more appealing to the crazy nut that lives upstairs. After throwing out actress, fashion designer, and mystery writer... mother arrives. Before her entrance my leading man moves to the door to buzz her in, at which point I follow to stop him. I pull on his arm and pull him back... mind you there has been no problems thus far in the run... as I pull him back he steps on my foot and the only place I could go was down. That's right ladies and gentleman... I fell on my butt in front of a full house. I delivered my line on the way down and then sat there stunned... my leading man then says "Get up hon!" We have a moment of laughter and then the audience applauded. I was applauded for falling on my rump. We then continued with the scene. It was a classic moment and one of the reasons why I love live theater. I will definitely be sad.

Great news...... the last show I was in Wally's Cafe... is being entered into an Ohio Acting Competition. It will take place in June, so I need to refresh my lines on that. I've never been to a competition, so I'm looking forward to it.

As far as other things are going.... there is light at the end of the tunnel, right? It gets worse before better, right? You aren't given more than you can handle, right? Well, I guess we will see. Some things have been brought to light and the conclusion to it all has yet to be seen. I often find myself staring into space. Others have told me that I have had attitude lately. Others have sad not to let anything steal my smile. Well it's all true... and I'm working on it all. I just pray that it all works out how it is supposed to and I keep learning from my experiences. That's what they're for right? That's all I can say for now.

Fill In The Blank

Deep breath and sigh
Letting go, but holding on
Rain- like tears without pain
Standing still but still moving
Things not what I expected
Wanting more
Deep breath and sigh
Ears ringing
Mind spinning
Dreams in slow motion
Breathing but suffocating
Wanting more
Deep breath and sigh
Thoughts whirling
Stomach churning
Heart shaking
Just debating
Wanting more
Deep breath and sigh
Things unknown
Confusing soul
Accepting that which is sad
No control
Wanting more
Deep breath and sigh
Hearing the silence
Questions unanswered
Voice pounding within
Wanting something in return
Wanting more
Deep breath and sigh
Deep breath.............. and................ sigh

No Limits But the Sky

Ahh, well. Barefoot in the Park opened with great success, at least I think so. Of course we had a few technical difficulties, but the actors were hot. We got lots of great laughs and great compliments. I'm already beginning to feel the sadness of the show closing and we still have two more weekends, eight more shows. Ah, the end of something on to the beginning of something else.

As of late I have been faced with many things to think about. It seems as though lately the list keeps getting longer. Whether it is healthy or not, this is a process that I keep inside and don't share so much with others. I have been emotional lately, for those of you around me I'm sure you are thinking "Heck yeah!" But, I truly want to thank you all for your patience and words of inspiration.

For those of you who know me, you know that I am a quote girl. I love quotes and how a simple, short statement can say so much. So I was reading through a book today and thought I would post some quotes that tugged my heartstrings.

Only as high as I can reach can I grow,
only as far as I seek can I go,
only as deep as I look can I see,
only as much as I dream can I be.

I wish, I wish that I could know
the places I have yet to go,
the ways I'll change, the things I'll do,
the special dreams I'll make come true.
I wish, I wish that I could see
the life that lies ahead of me.

The future doesn't lie ahead of you,
waiting to happen.
It lies deep inside of you,
waiting to be discovered.
So invite the unexpected.
It won't care if you're not the perfect host.

Maybe good things come to those who wait,
but the best things come to those who seize
the moment and make it their own.

Cherish your yesterdays,
dream your tomorrows,
but live your todays.
Tomorrow belongs to those who fully use today.

I hope my achievements in life shall be these-
that I will have fought for what was right and fair,
that I will have risked for that which mattered,
that I will have given help to those who were in need...
that I will have left the earth a better place
for what I've done and who I've been.

Deep Breath and Sigh

Sometimes when people look/ To figure out what’s inside/ I stare blankly back /Looking for light in their eyes/ Not wanting to share too much/ For fear they won’t understand/ Not wanting to hurt or offend/ Just trying grin and bare

I climb up my tower high above it all/ And begin to build my wall, my shield/ To distance from probable pain/ It’s then I look out and notice/ That it won’t just all go away/ And in the end realizing/ That which I didn’t want, is done anyway

Keeping so much inside/ Trying to claw its way out/

Wanting something so much more/ Yet afraid of the guilt and the doubt/ Being unfair to those around me/ While I calm this inner raging storm/ Hoping that in the end/ When I descend from my tower/ The light in their eyes I will finally see

I know it makes no sense/ But I guess that’s just the point/ Trying to rationalize something / When that something has yet to be seen/ So feelings that are questioned/ Really can’t be questionedat all/ Because they're there for a reason/ With a purpose that has yet to be seen

So whimsical charm and giddy love/ Lay dormant for awhile/ Still desperately caring for the same things/ While being afraid to completely be free/ So I take a deep breath and release my sigh/ Knowing that in the end it will all be just fine/ Praying that those near to me remain patient while I continue in my journey of life

CRaZY!

Okay... so there must be something in the air today because the kids at work are more extraordinary than usual. While the part of my job I enjoy is that there is rarely a dull moment... but when there are numerous "episodes" at once it is tiring. Hmmm.... it's definitely not a full moon. What is going on?

Okay... so Barefoot opens on Friday... yet tomorrow we will have an audience. I know I shouldn't be, but I am really stressing here people. I know my lines, but there is always that fear that you won't know them when you need to. Uh. Last night at rehearsal I had one issue after another with my wardrobe. One minute my hair is falling apart, then I can't get a nightgown off, then an earring flys off, all the while I'm trying to figure out an appropriate time where Corie would bend over to tie her shoe. Which of course, with all this in my head I lapsed a couple of times in line delivery. But, then again that's why I love live theater. You just never know what will happen.

So I'm reading through some of my past blog entries and I shake my head. It's weird how you can really feel something and believe it the moment that you write it, then a month or two later you look back at it and realize how it has changed. Not that you doubt yourself or second guess yourself, just that things have happened to where you now have a different view on something. It's very enlightening.

I'm trying to become more of a realist - it is what it is. I don't know how good I will become at it because I always like to see the positive or the best in people and situations. Which is probably why I am prone to have others take advantage of me, but I believe those days are in the past. I was having this conversation with a friend last night. As a side note - you ever have a conversation with someone and they're looking at you, but you know that they aren't really all there - they hear what you say, but they just have this glazed over look in their eye? It's at that point that you realize you're talking to yourself more than the person in front of you. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, because as you're talking it becomes a self-actualizing moment. Anyhow, I was talking about how I often sugar-coat things. About how I often like to see things for their potential or what they could be, rather than what they really are. I think about it now, that line of thinking really does just lead yourself open to disappointment. Which I have become great at coping with. Don't get me wrong... in all of this I am not pessimistic, just aware, aware, aware.

I know my entries lately are probably more me talking to myself. But, circumstances lately have really caused me to look at myself, inside and out, are be more conscientious of me, my needs, and desires. It's been a great experience, one needed for a long time. And I thank those who have recently crossed my path that have encouraged me to this point. It's a great feeling to have a better understanding of the whirlwind that is inside of me. While not everything is settled, it's all definitely a learning experience.

P.S. My birthday is tomorrow!!! Ah, another year older... I've been wondering if that actually moves me another year closer to what I've wanted to accomplish. I'm certainly not where I thought I would be.

Whirlwind

Wow... There is so much stuff going on this week. Barefoot in the Park opens this weekend... Thought it would never get here, now I can't believe that it is. It's been a fabulous experience with great people. It's truly a show I've grown throughout. It's been crazy busy.

I'm so used to living so fast paced that adjusting to some down time after we open will be a switch. While the rest is probably needed, especially before summer shows begin, it also gives that time where my mind will start overworking again.

Isn't it amazing how a thought can consume your mind even though you know there is nothing you can do about it? While logically you know how things will turn out, what the outcome is, or whether or not you can effect it, your mind still decides that it needs to keep thinking about it. Is it simply to drive yourself slowly insane... or is it because you haven't grasped everything out of it that you need to or are supposed to? In the end, you just need to take it one day at a time and see where it leads.

I was talking with someone yesterday and they made a fabulous remark about how you can't worry about what will happen four days from now because then you miss today. Isn't that great? I am one that will be consumed with thought that my days will just pass by. I think about it now... how many things did I miss out on because my mind was thinking about what I couldn't predict? While we always say we need to live and enjoy the moment, we rarely ever do.

But, that is my goal this week. My goal is to not think about tomorrow, but think about today. Not think about an hour from now, but think about this moment. Granted there are some things that will require thought beforehand, but in the grand scheme of things.... whether I think about it or not, whatever is supposed to happen will still happen. So, I chose to just let it happen and enjoy it when it does.

Ahhh, it really does decrease stress levels too. Hmmm, the things you learn from the people you're around. Every once in awhile they will say something that sticks with you........ just kidding you all know I love you.

Much love,