Instincts

So, I was reading my last blog entry and I seriously don't even remember writing half of it. Perhaps it's because I don't feel that way anymore and on that particular day it was just a venting session. But, it's very interesting how I don't remember thinking or feeling some of the things in that entry.

The topic of the day is about instincts. In situations we all have instincts that can help us decide where to go, what to do, or a feeling of something that will happen. So, in a particular situation when every instinct you have ever had has come to pass, does that mean that you are just really "in tune" or that if you have another instinct regarding he same situation that as well will come to pass? It's not hope. It's not holding on to something that you don't think is there or believe in some sorted sense that it's there when it's really not. It's really having that feeling and then it coming to pass. How do you explain that? Then when it reaches to the point when it verges on hope or instinct... do you still go with your gut feeling or is it just false hope for a reality that you are overpowered by?

I'm interested in hearing others views on instincts and how valid or reliable you believe they can be.

Beauty and the Beast rehearsals are going well. I am now known as Sausage Curl Girl. Yes, it's a fabulous name isn't it? I feel bad about dropping out of Sly Fox, but I really feel now that I made the right choice, especially since recent events.

I am not superstitious, but perhaps I do lay too much on the emotional side of situations. I just don't know. All I do know is that right now what I want and what I have are not the same thing.

Bubbles,

Hurt By Those You Love

So, I know that it is commonly known that you are often hurt most by the ones you love. But why? I just don't understand how someone can look at you and say sweet things, and then in the next breath basically say the complete opposite. I don't mean to have a pity party on myself, but I know I have a lot to offer. I truly believe that I am a great catch. I remember one moment in time where I was good enough to take a chance on, and now it's like I feel my true worth isn't even recognized.

I know everyone goes through their stages of life, their decisions that they need to make. I know that no one can predict the future or even if the future you plan on is really the one that will come to pass. However, it's very humbling, not to mention hurtful, when someone basically tells you that they love you and want to be with, but really don't want to think about having to "care" for you. It really makes you feel that your worth is not all that worthy.

I know that this has turned into a pity party, but I can't help it. I know there are only a select few that read this anyway, so I figure I'm safe. I'm just so frustrated with so much in my life right now. I need a new job, one that is not as stressful, draining and degrading. One that I actually feel like I'm making a difference and one that I will be appreciated for all the hard work I do. My acting is a mystery that has yet to be defined, not to mention other things as well. I just feel sometimes like I just need to break free and just start over somewhere else. Maybe somewhere where there isn't bad memories, guilted pressure, and lack of appreciation for me and who I am.

I know life is what you make of it. It just hurts when there are things or people that you want to help build your life are just as disoriented as you are. I just want to have it all, a job I like, a real chance at an acting career, a family, and just someone who will be there to love me no matter what... one that won't always have this "chance" of leaving hanging over them.

I realize now that this pity party must end and in effect it has only made me feel more down and worse... so I will leave now hoping that someone will have an encouraging word for me somewhere.

Bubbles,